Mon | Sep 24, 2018

Single but iffy to mingle: Comfort vs Speed

Published:Monday | July 9, 2018 | 12:00 AMKrysta Anderson

"I'm built for comfort, not speed." That has been my mantra for as long as I could remember - blame it on the fluff *wink*.

But I've found myself applying this same principle to how I broach the subject of dating. Welcome to Single but Iffy to Mingle. It has been a minute since we've last ventured down the exciting yet scary road of me being my very own one-woman show, all while finding the ideal male lead to plot always and forever with.

So update: I'm still driving in the single lane. And, yes, I remain iffy in steering my state-of-the-'heart' RV down a two-way street. Despite persons' best efforts to get me on the highway of love, I'm just not ready to pay the toll and take that romantic road trip just yet. Here's why:

Racy rebound

Humans, by nature, are creatures of habit. And who can blame them? It is within routines that so many find balance and stability. But, in hindsight, this practice might be the active volcano of a vicious cycle waiting to erupt when heartache strikes. That craving for, fixation, or even a dependence on a lover, to bring happiness into our lives can be lethal in the dating world. It will have you speeding into the possibly harmful arms of another, before even processing your previous relationship's demise.

Some are of the mindset that the best way to get over the man you thought was the one is to gratify yourself with another guy. Now don't get me wrong: there are amazing perks to this option. And sometimes, women just need a steamy quick fix! But long term, once emotions begin to kick in, it won't bode well for you - unless of course, he has feelings for you, too, then well, that would be a beautiful happily ever after (What? I can't help it - I'm a hopeless romantic).

However, you'll find that you may desire more from him or for yourself. And then you may replace your rebound with other rebounds, and nobody wants that. Then you not only have issues with your ex to get over, but now you've got new problems to address your rebound(s) as well.

Also, it's easy come, easy go in my book. So my advice: if you do use this speedy approach, don't get too comfortable. Proceed with caution and try to walk away unscathed once all has been said and done.

Old story time

There's always two sides to love-break up story. And then there's the truth - both sides straddle and blur this line. Now don't get it twisted, you would be lying to yourself if you only blamed him and not yourself. There's no comfort in hanging on to what was, but it's good to engage in some self-evaluation to see where things might have gone awry and how to read the warning labels before gobbling up love at first sight or infamous honeymoon phases.

Then there's the point you never ever want to admit: you still have feelings for your ex. I've seen women just block and delete, put him in the past and move merrily right along. I am not one such person. I love wholeheartedly and deeply, and if I wasn't the one directly doing the deed of going our separate ways, (or even if I was) it will be difficult for me to get over it. The relationship wasn't built in a day and so the feelings involved won't fade overnight either. A broken heart needs ample time to properly heal before it's up and running in the love lane again.

Although it might be weird getting back out there, life goes on, so why not engage in some batting practice before you're able to participate in and win the big game? Well, you can't throw a pitch into thin air, can you? You need a batter. But great players are either extinct or obsolete when it comes to this game of love. Or they're downright amateurs and aren't prepared for the major leagues. It's best they pull out of the amorous championships all together and stop toying with these childish ways.

So I don't want to date to pass the time, fill a void, or feed these boys' annoying egos. I want to date on purpose a loving, one-of-a-kind, smart, compassionate, loyal, soothe-my-soul-and-stimulate-my-every-desire type of man, when I'm good and ready. He can look for me from now, but there's no rush. Remember, I'm built for comfort, not speed.

krysta.anderson@gleanerjm.com